How to Talk to a Parent About Home Care

“I’m concerned about you being alone, Dad.”

Ellen saw her father’s expression change from warm to defensive. The conversation she practiced for weeks soon turned into an argument on independence, ability, and more-muted criticism and blame.

Later, Ellen said, “I thought I was helping.”  Instead, I unintentionally made him second guess his ability to do his job.

At First Choice Personal Care and Living Solutions, we have helped hundreds of families navigate this difficult discussion. Although there is no magic script, some approaches can improve discussions and achieve better results for all participants. 

Before strategizing how to talk about home care it helps to understand why these conversations can be so emotional.

• Loss of independence: When seniors accept help, they believe that they will lose control of their life and will not experience a life that will be vibrant. 
• Role reversal discomfort: Parents may resist feeling like a child in charge of the relationship with their child.
• Fear and vulnerability: Experiencing fear and vulnerability means we are aging and will soon die.
• Financial concerns: Many older people fear that nursing care will eat up their savings.
• Pride and identity:For a generation which is self-sufficient, leaning on others for help may indicate a personal failing.

Mark, who ended up setting up care for his mom, said: “I kept looking at it as a logic puzzle to solve. But for Mom, it was about her identity as a competent person. Once I saw that, everything changed.”

Successful discussions about home care often require preparation:

• Research options: Understand the types of home care available and how they might specifically help your parent
• Observe patterns: Note specific examples of challenges (missed medications, difficulty with housekeeping, nutrition concerns)
• Enlist allies: Consider whether another family member, friend, or trusted professional (doctor, faith leader) might be helpful
• Choose timing carefully: Avoid times of stress or fatigue, and allow plenty of unrushed time

1. Lead with listening

Begin by asking open-ended questions about how your parent feels they’re managing. Truly listening—without immediately jumping to solutions—creates safety for honest conversation.

Instead of: “Mom, you need someone to help you with the house.” Try: “How do you feel the housework is going these days? What parts are becoming more challenging?”

2. Focus on independence as the goal

Frame home care as a way to maintain independence longer, not surrender it.

Instead of: “You can’t manage on your own anymore.” Try: “Having some help with the heavy cleaning could give you more energy for the activities you enjoy.”

3. Start small and temporary

For many seniors, the idea of “home care” conjures images of round-the-clock assistance and complete loss of privacy. Starting with limited help for specific tasks can be less threatening.

Instead of: “You need a caregiver.” Try: “What if someone came for just three hours twice a week to help with laundry and grocery shopping? We could try it for a month and see how it goes.”

4. Share your feelings honestly

Express your own emotions and concerns in “I” statements that don’t blame or criticize.

Instead of: “You’re being stubborn about this.” Try: “I worry when I’m at work and can’t check on you. Having someone stop by regularly would give me peace of mind.”

5. Involve your parent in the process

Emphasize that they will maintain control over decisions. Discuss how they would be involved in selecting caregivers and determining the schedule and services.

Instead of: “I’ve already called an agency.” Try: “If you’re open to exploring options, you and I could interview agencies together. You’d have the final say about anyone who comes into your home.”

6. Use positive language and examples

Share success stories of others who have benefited from similar services.

Instead of: “You can’t drive safely anymore.” Try: “My friend’s mother has a wonderful companion who takes her shopping and to appointments. She says it’s like having a friend visit who also helps out.”

Sometimes an email allows your parent time to process information without the pressure of an immediate response. Here’s a template you can customize:

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Subject: Thinking about ways to make life a little easier

Dear [Mom/Dad],

I’ve been reflecting on our conversations about [specific challenge—e.g., “keeping up with the house” or “managing all your appointments”]. I admire how independent you’ve always been, and I want to support that independence as much as possible.

I recently learned about services that might help with some of the tasks that have become more challenging, while still keeping you in complete control of your home and schedule. These aren’t nursing services, but more like having a helpful friend stop by for a few specific tasks.

Would you be open to just meeting with someone to learn what options exist? There’s no commitment, and I’d be there with you. My friend [name] found this very helpful for her [parent], who was initially reluctant but now looks forward to the visits.

I value your thoughts on this and want any decisions to be ones we make together. Maybe we could discuss this when I visit on [date]?

Love you, [Your name]

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Remember that meaningful change often takes time. If the initial response is negative:

• Don’t argue or pressure: Express understanding and suggest revisiting later
• Look for small openings: “Would you consider just meeting with someone to hear about options?”
• Address specific objections: If cost is a concern, research financial options together
• Suggest a trial period: “What if we try it for just one month?”

Discussing home care with a parent is rarely a one-time conversation—it’s the beginning of an ongoing dialogue about changing needs and how to meet them with dignity and respect.

Download our free guide, “Starting the Care Conversation,” which includes additional communication strategies, common objections and responses, and a customizable email template. Visit indysfirstchoice.com/care-conversation or call us at (317) 218-7722 to request your copy.

Contact First Choice Personal Care and Living Solutions today for a free, confidential consultation about how to approach this conversation with your specific family situation. Our experienced care coordinators can provide guidance tailored to your parent’s personality and circumstances.

Remember, you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. We’re here to support both you and your loved one every step of the way.